WE THE PEOPLE

I voted today.  I couldn't wait to fill out my mail-in ballot and return it to the mailbox.  Because I am so ready for this election to be over.  No doubt you are too.  We're all tired of this negative, uncivilized campaign.

But I wonder sometimes if all the rudeness and rhetoric isn't just a sad reflection on all of us.  We wish our politicians would be more honest.  Listen more.  Name call less.  Stop spreading rumors and half-truths.  Come together on important issues.  But most of the time, at least when it comes to politics, we don't behave that way ourselves.  We're the big American melting pot calling the kettle black.

We don't really listen when the other candidate--the one we're not going to vote for--is talking.  Except to listen for them to say something stupid so we can gloat about what an idiot they are. When it comes to politics, we rarely listen to anyone whose opinions are different from our own.  Except to listen for the moment when we can jump in and tell them how very wrong they are.  We call politicians names.  We spread rumors and half-truths about them.  We berate them and make fun of them. 

Yesterday my 3rd grader came home from school and told me they'd had an assembly about bullying.  I asked him what he learned.  He learned that name-calling and spreading rumors about someone are forms of bullying.  I wholeheartedly agree. So I better make sure my child doesn't hear me call anyone an idiot during the next presidential debate. 

Watching an election in America is like watching an episode of Jersey Shore.  We pretend to be appalled and horrified by the participants, but we keep on watching.  And we can't stop talking about them.  We decry the mudslinging while we're busy slinging mud all over our own Facebook page.  And yet we expect politicians to behave. 

We like to complain about the media too--about how biased they are.  Always against us, of course.  But most of the time, we watch and read and listen to whatever is going to reinforce the opinions we already have, and we become even more close-minded.  And then we go right back to Facebook and Twitter to regurgitate everything we just heard, as if it was actually fair and balanced to begin with.

The principal at my kid's elementary school used to say, "We'll believe half of what your kids say about home, if you believe half of what they say about school."  And thank goodness for that, or Social Services may have paid me a visit by now.  In a nutshell, it was his way of saying that you really need to hear both sides of a story to get an accurate picture of what is going on.  Maybe we need a similar mantra in our own political discourse.  I'll believe half of what they say about your candidate if you believe half of what they say about mine.

We complain about the behavior of our politicians, but I wonder, how must they think we'd like them to behave?  If they are truly taking their cues from us, which is, after all, what we elected them to do, we might want to focus a little more on the impression we're making on them and a little less on the impression they're making on us.  Not that they shouldn't try to impress us.  Maybe I'm wrong about this, but it just seems hypocritical to set standards for our politicians that we, the American people, aren't willing to live up to.  Government of the people, by the people, and for the people, right?

I hear a lot about how we can change things with our vote.  I believe that's true.  But even the most noble of politicians is going to cave under the peer pressure of 300 million Americans who treat the political process like a bad reality show.  I'm not sure it's our vote that will change the toxic, bi-partisan culture we find in America today.  To change that, I think we'll have to change our behavior.

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR--OR AT LEAST IT USED TO BE

I used to love back-to-school time.  I was this parent, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.  But I don't dance through the aisles of Staples anymore.

 

High school kind of ruined that for me.  Every time I have to deal with someone there, it's like dealing with the IRS.  Or going to the DMV.  Maddening.

Take for example the laptops that were given to all the freshmen last year, and will be given to freshman every year for the foreseeable future.  You'd think this would be a good thing.  You know, everything being digital--no more textbooks and binders and paper to carry around. 

But very few textbooks were available digitally, and every teacher still required a binder for all the paperwork which they had not yet converted to a digital format.  So the kids got to carry around all of those books and binders--in addition to their gargantuan laptops.  Seriously, these things were the laptop version of the 1980's cell phone.

Source

It's 2012 people! A student with a laptop should not have to carry around 100 pounds of textbooks and binders, or turn in assignments on actual pieces of paper.  A lot of kids just stopped bringing them to school.  Which, with the possible exception of kids who don't have access to a computer at home, made them a huge waste of taxpayer money. 

Something else a student in 2012 should not have to do.....stand in multiple lines during the last week of school to get multiple signatures verifying that they do not have any overdue library books, unpaid fines, un-returned textbooks, stinky shoes left in gym lockers....and of course, unaccounted for laptops. 

You would think that one person with a computer could go into some sort of student file and find all of this information in one handy place.  But apparently it makes more sense to distribute the student's information to multiple people around the school.  Perhaps it's a way to prepare our children for situations they will encounter as adults, such as visiting the DMV, or the customer service department at Walmart.

Don't even get me started on our failed attempts to get a syllabus from the Spanish teacher.  Or the "health tech" who left E's seizure medications sitting on the counter instead of counting the pills with me, getting my signature and then locking them up like she was supposed to.

And then there is this year's "new and improved" class schedule.

Monday: periods 1,3,5,7,8

Tuesday: periods 2,4,6,5,7 (yes, in that order)

Wednesday: periods 1,3,6,8

Thursday: periods 2,4,3,5,7

Friday: periods 1,2,4,6,8

WHAT??????  Seriously.  What???  There is no rhyme, reason or mathematical pattern to this. What kind of quacky educational research could this possibly be based on?  Did I mention that first lunch is at 10:30?

I cannot figure out how to operate our three remote controls simultaneously to turn on the television, yet I have a college degree.  But even if those two things cancel each other out, I'm still of at least average intelligence, and I cannot make heads or tales of this.  Which doesn't say much about the people running the high school.  It's a classic case of too much theory and not enough common sense.

And so, instead of my usual elation, I approach the coming school year with some trepidation.  By now, I have usually organized the school supplies and checked the bus schedule and started waking the kids up a little earlier in the mornings in anticipation of peace and quiet and free time that will soon be mine.

I'm not much of a crier.  Never shed one tear on my kid's first day of kindergarten.  Not with my first, last or middle child. 

For me, the first year of 10th grade might just be the year. 



THE TEN PEOPLE I WISH WERE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT

Last night, C was complaining about the rules we have around here.  Specifically, the rule that no one plays video games after dinner.  If there's one thing we've learned in 14 years of parenting, it's that video games do not make children sleepy.

He decided that the best way to change these types of horribly unfair and nonsensical rules would be to become President of the United States.  Or as he put it to his father,  "I'm going to be President one day.....when you're an OLD man!"

Granted, he's too young to run for President right now, but I think his all-video-games-all-the-time platform would make him wildly popular with the 18-34 year-old male demographic.

Anyhow, it got me thinking that the current presidential race (which I am already tired of, how about you?) would really benefit from the addition of a few more qualified candidates.  And since C won't be joining the fray right now, here are the 10 people I wish were running for President.

1.  Ron Swanson.  His platform:  I’ve been quite open about this around the office: I don’t want this parks department to build any parks, because I don’t believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for Chuck E. Cheese.

2. Ferris Beuller.  His platform:  "Isms" in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an "ism", he should believe in himself.

3. Julia Child.  Her platform: There are so many things you can do with chicken. 

4.  Pedro.  His platform: Vote for Pedro and all  your wildest dreams will come true.

5. Brick Heck.  His platform: The main reason you should vote for me is because I suck at basketball. And if I’m not elected, I will try out for the team. Do you really want that on your conscience? I don’t think so.

6. Yoda.  His platform: Vote for me you will.

7.   Leslie Knope.  Her platform:  We have to remember what’s important in life: friends, waffles, and work. Or waffles, friends, and work. But work has to come third.

8.  Dwight Schrute.  His platform:  Before I do anything I ask myself “Would an idiot do that?” And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing.

9.  Sheldon Cooper.  His platform:  Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

 

10. Dave Grohl.  His platform:  I'm not sure, to be honest.  But he Fights Foo.  Which should be a skill required of anyone who wants to be the leader of the free world.

LEAVE ME ALONE TO ENJOY THE GLUTTONY OF THE HOLIDAY SEASON

Look what my friend Dana brought me yesterday?  Baklava.  That she made.  She is pretty much my new best friend.

There was just one problem.  I had to go for a cholesterol test this morning.  Because borderline high cholesterol levels run in the family.  I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure that baklava will send your triglyceride levels through the roof.  So I thought it best to wait.  Especially since I'd just eaten sausage balls.

The whole situation makes me very irritable.  Because I am a reasonably healthy person.  Healthy weight.  Exercise regularly.  All that stuff.  So I get annoyed when people (by which I mean my husband) eat whatever they want and have perfectly healthy cholesterol levels.  Sure, I eat pizza sometimes.  I live in a house full of boys.  A constant diet of salad and chicken breasts is not acceptable. 

I just don't appreciate getting a request for bloodwork in the middle of the holiday season.  When people might show up on my doorstep at any moment with a box full of baklava.  I tried to put it off until after the holidays, but the doctors office kindly called to remind me (at 7:15 am on Saturday morning) that I might be on the verge of death and needed to get my bloodwork done immediately.  They also threatened reminded me that they wouldn't refill my prescriptions until I went for the bloodwork. 

We know I have high cholesterol.   So why can't they just refill my prescription until June?   Then all of the baklava, fudge, cookies, eggnog, and pie will be out of my system.  Did I mention that you have to be fasting for the cholesterol test?  So I did the only thing a reasonable starving person could do.  I took the box of baklava with me to the lab. 

As soon as I was finished with the test, I ate it for breakfast.

IF IT AIN'T BROKE.....

Actually, it is broke.  This week everything broke.

On Wednesday the tree broke.  After 8 inches of heavy wet snow three branches snapped right off.  And it was just a wee tree that only had about 7 branches to begin with.  We're hoping it survives the winter.  Unless you know anyone in the market for a Charlie Brown Christmas tree.

At least we don't have a mess like this to clean up.

Driving around town, it looks like a tree bomb went off.  I'm sorry east coast.  I think we passed this on to you.

On Thursday G's car battery broke.  A few hours and $125 later, that was taken care of.

On Friday the hot water heater broke.

Conveniently, it was still under warranty.  Inconveniently, the plumber we called said he couldn't get the same model here until Monday afternoon.  This is the part where I get angry.

Apparently, being the only woman in the house, I was the only one bothered by the prospect of no hot water for almost FOUR DAYS!  Boys don't care about things like bathing or eating off of clean dishes, or personal hygiene in general.  They don't care if they smell.  They can just throw on a baseball hat and go on their merry way.

G had a great solution.  Stay in a hotel?  No, even better!  We could all go to his office and use the locker rooms to shower.  You know, the ones for over-achievers who train for marathons on their lunch breaks?  Can you imagine the entire family waltzing into the workplace every morning to shower?  Maybe I could bring the dishes and laundry and take care of that too.  Awkward!

Thankfully, we had the brilliant idea to try another plumber.  One who had the hot water heater we needed and was here by noon to install it.  I don't care where you live in the world, if you need a plumber call Aggie Plumbing.  

They're my new best friends.

RANDOM TUESDAY THOUGHTS

I've been thinking about linking up to Random Tuesday Thoughts forever.  It's just that doing it every Tuesday on a such regular basis, didn't seem very, well....random.  Then I realized I could link up on random Tuesdays.  Problem solved!

 Here's something random from Pinterest.  I love astronomy humor mixed with pop music.

This morning at the grocery store I got one of those baggers who uses the squeeze and throw technique.  You know, squeeze each item to pick it up, then throw it into a bag.  Then throw the bag into the cart.  I appreciate him wanting to have a have a firm grip on my groceries, but the bread and produce still had hand prints in them when I got home. 

We're buying new tires for the family car today.  Tires are at the top of my list of things I hate buying because they cost way more than they should.  Toilet paper is a close second. 

My 6 year-old informed me the other day that he wouldn't want to be a professor because "in that job, you just sit around and think all day."  To be clear, he said he would be good at it, he just wouldn't want to do it.  I'm not sure if it's the sitting or the thinking that doesn't appeal to him.

Speaking of my 6 year-old, he is a completely different (much more pleasant) person now that his older brothers are off to school before he even wakes up.  It might be because there is no one around to bother him.  Although I suspect it's because there is no one around for him to bother.

A random tidbit about me. 

Also found on Pinterest

Finally, you'll all be relieved to know that everyone's school year has gotten off to a great start.  No one was locked in a locker, stuck in a trash can or offered drugs in the bathroom--because we all know that is what is supposed to happen on the first day of junior high and high school.  We are still trying to figure out how to manage E's backpack when every teacher wants him to have a 2 inch binder just for their class.  Guess we better find a good chiropractor.

Happy Tuesday! 

KINDLE OR NOOK? OH BOY, DO I EVER HAVE AN ANSWER FOR YOU!

Wait. Let me put in my angry eyes first.  Okay, I'm ready . . .

I was contemplating purchasing an eReader, but couldn't decide between the Nook and the Kindle.  I researched.  Half the articles said to get the Nook.  Half said to get the Kindle.

I wavered. I flip-flopped. I did an unscientific survey on Facebook.  Half of my friends loved their Kindle and the other half loved their Nook.  It's like asking a photographer, "Canon or Nikon?"  The answer is going to be whichever one they have.

Great, I thought.  People love them both.  I concluded they were both incredibly popular and well-liked.  I figured that regardless of the one I chose, I couldn't go wrong.  But I did go wrong.  I bought a Nook.

To purchase the Nook, I visited the Nook display at my local Barnes and Noble store.  The Nook representative was busy with another customer.  I waited patiently.  The three people milling about the Nook display with me waited patiently.  The sales associate did not say, "Hello" or "I'll be right with you," or even glance in our general direction.

Then she left.  She didn't say, "I'll be right back," or "Let me find someone else to help you."  We waited . . . and waited . . . and waited.  I had to be somewhere, so I decided to come back later.

I returned to find a different sales associate manning the Nook display.  This one was more helpful.  Sort-of. He gave us the Nook sales pitch.  WHILE HE WAS ON THE PHONE WITH SOMEONE ELSE!

I bought the Nook anyway.  To be perfectly honest, it was against my better judgement at this point.  I took the Nook home.  I charged it.  It didn't work.

I won't go into a long explanation of exactly what it was that didn't work, but when I tried to do anything, it would tell me it was loading . . . and loading . . . and loading.  Nothing ever loaded.  I called tech support.  I explained which nook parts weren't working.  Their advice, "Yeah, it's not supposed to do that.  You should just return it."  Not very technical.  Or supportive.

I rebooted the Nook.  I un-registerd the Nook and re-registered it.  Nothing.

G offered to return the Nook for me because a) he didn't want me to go out on the slippery roads, and b) he is better at confrontation.  He called ahead to make sure he could return said Nook.  He got the thumbs up.  He took the Nook and the receipt and headed to Barnes and Noble. 

When he got there, he was told he couldn't return the Nook unless he had the credit card used to purchase it (which he didn't).  He called home to get the credit card number.  I heard this snippet of converstation between him and the so-called manager.

Manager, speaking in her most rude and condescending tone:  I'm not going to return it.  I'm not doing it.

G: I'll get the card number for you right now.

Manager: I don't care.  I'm not doing it over the phone.

G:  But you sell stuff over the phone all the time.

Manager:  I don't care.  I'm not doing it.

This debate was preceeded by G suggesting that they could use the bar code on the receipt to do the return.  Ever return something to Target? Or Best Buy? Then you know exactly what I'm talking about.  The manager insisted they couldn't do that.  She called the district manager.  He insisted they couldn't do that. 

"Then what's that bar code on the receipt for?" G asked. 

"Uh . . . I don't know," responded the district manager.  "But that's not how our system works.  You don't know how our system works."

Uh . . . yes he does.  He works for an IT company.  They manage a great deal of the data that is stored in the computers of your favorite retail establishments. 

G came home and got the card.  He went back to Barnes and Noble.  The sales associate began to process the return.  Wait!  An error!  The computer wouldn't let him return my Nook.  He called his manager, who by this time was hiding from my husband somewhere else in the store. 

That's when G heard the sales associate say, "Oh, I know what this is! It's because WE'VE ALREADY RETURNED FIVE NOOKS TODAY.  That's the limit so it won't let me do it again."

WHAT???!!!!???!!!!?

Luckily for everyone involved (especially the folks at Barnes and Noble), there was a way to over-ride the "you can only return five Nooks per day" error message.  

I am now the proud owner of a Kindle. 

And that, my friends, is the very long answer to the question, "Should I buy a Kindle or a Nook?"  And if perchance you'd like an answer to the question, "Should I ever set foot in a Barnes and Noble again?" the answer is NO!

THE PURSE DILEMMA PART TWO: THE TRANSFORMER PURSE

I know you've all been anxiously awaiting an update on The Purse Dilemma.  Well, you'll be happy to know that my handbag issues have been solved. At least for now.

I got quite a few helpful suggestions after I went on and on about my purse buying woes.  But the winning idea came from my friend, Melanie, who suggested I look into the Miche bag.

It doesn't look like this cute when you buy it.  It's just a plain old black bag (or brown, if you prefer).  But there are secret hidden magnets in there.  You choose a fashionable "shell," like this lovely red one I picked out.  The shell also has secret hidden magnets.  It sticks right to your plain old black bag and just like that, you've got yourself a fashion statement. One that doubles as a handy receptacle for your wallet and keys.

Yes, it's more than meets the eye.  Which is why I call it The Transformer Purse.  Say you don't like the red version.  Well, besides having obviously bad taste, that's okay.  Because you could switch to this yellow version.  Take that Megatron!

What? You don't like that one either?  Well, there are dozens of shells to choose from, so you're welcome to go find some other style that isn't as cute as mine.  Did I mention you can switch out the handles for straps?  And that it has a light colored lining? And it doesn't tip over in the car? And it comes in a both a larger and a smaller version?

You can change your purse to match your outfit, and you don't even have to move your stuff from one bag to another.  How great is that?  It's pretty much the Optimus Prime of the purse world. 

I don't think they have a fuzzy hobo bag shell, but I'm hoping it will be part of their new fall line-up. 

THE PURSE DILEMMA

Today I decided it was time for a new purse.  It's not a decision I make lightly. Replacing a purse usually takes me, on average, 4-6 weeks. With stops at 17 different stores.  Some of them twice.

But I got this cute new planner and it doesn't quite fit in my old purse. So you see, I had no choice.

It wasn't until I posted about my purse buying difficulties on Facebook that I realized I am not alone in my handbag frustrations.

First, I should probably clarify that I did not buy the purse pictured here.  The Dior Libertine Fur Hobo. It's just one example of why a functional yet stylish purse is so hard to find. It looks to me like it was designed by Jim Henson.

It's also $4,600, which I'm pretty sure is out of the price range of your average hobo.

Here's what I'm looking for, if any of you purse designers are listening. First, my purse must, I repeat MUST have a shoulder strap.  I have three children.  I need both hands free at all times. 

I would also appreciate some sort of wide, sturdy bottom.  On the purse, not on me.  You know, so when I set it down in the car it doesn't tip over every time I turn a corner or stop at a red light.  Because I really don't like my personal belongings spilling under the seats where they have to be fished out from amongst cold french fries and sticky candy wrappers.

Next, and I really hope someone is listening to this, you must stop lining purses in black!  I cannot find anything once it's been deposited in the bottomless pit that is a black-lined purse.

Finally, purse size.  I'd like something not too small, but not too big either.  With a reasonable number of pockets and compartments.  Perhaps it would be helpful if I just let you know what needs to fit inside. Here is a helpful list of the contents of my current purse.  Bear in mind, I'll need to fit in everything on this list, plus the cute new planner.

• Wallet
• Hot pink Kate Spade glasses case, even though I no longer wear Kate Spade glasses and have only kept the case to appear fashionable
• Checkbook, although it's becoming obsolete and I may start leaving it at home in the future
• Lamisilk Intensive Foot Therapy Lotion, which I actually use as hand lotion
• Small ibuprofen bottle (empty)
• Keys
• Cell phone
• 1 fast-food meal toy
• Small pack of Kleenex tissues
• 2 used tissues
• Altoids, so curiously strong that I've had the same tin since 1992
• 1 candy wrapper
• 3 Post-it note lists
• 4 receipts
• 2 lipsticks
• 1 lip gloss
• 1 hamburger Happy Meal credit card, which C won for dancing in a fox costume at a baseball game
• 4 feminine hygiene products
• 26 cents
• 236 pens

Oh, and it can't be covered in fur and cost $4,600.